Chris O'Shea
You can contact me at coshea22[at]gmail[dot]com. Thanks for stopping by.
Top 5 Reasons to Hate Crazy Town
- This picture
- Their first album was titled “The Gift of Game”
- Paul Oakenfold
- You just Googled, “Butterfly,” listened to it, and thought, “This isn’t that bad”
- Shifty Shellshock
In honor of Muhammad Ali’s 70th birthday, Chuck Klosterman on boxing.
Kobe Byrant and Me
I’ve never been a big Kobe Bryant fan, but when I read this morning that he scored 48 points last night, I have to admit, I was impressed. Bryant’s scoring fest comes as he basically plays with one hand and — according to experts everywhere — is too old to play well anymore.
Bryant is 33-years-old. I am 33-years-old. All the talk about Bryant being elderly makes me feel like I’m not only over the hill, but already at the bottom, laying in a creek, curled up in a fetal position. So I decided to see how Bryant’s career matches up with mine.
Here are some highlights.
1996
Bryant: The Lakers select Bryant with the 13th overall pick.
Me: I have dreads. My best friend and I decide that Redman’s “Muddy Waters” is an instant classic. At a party I light one of my dreads on fire.
2000
Bryant: The young phenom wins his first NBA title, is named to the All Star team for the second time and is named a member of the NBA’s all-defensive first team.
Me: The fact that futons can be a bed and a couch inspires me to purchase one.
2008
Bryant: Kobe is named the NBA’s MVP. At this point Bryant already has three rings.
Me: I think writing my Facebook status updates in the third person is clever. At my 30th birthday party I do a pretty rad air guitar to Guns n’ Roses’ “Sweet Child O Mine.” I witness a woman pooping on 32nd street.
2012
Bryant: The Lakers guard scores 48 points. It is his highest output since early 2009.
Me: I miraculously find my favorite sweatpants after losing track of them for two weeks. I eat some tater tots that are so tasty they stir me to boldly proclaim, “These are pretty good.”
GQ thinks men should buy this sweater from Club Monaco.
Two problems: One, it is $129. That is about $125 more than it looks like it should cost. Two, even your most ironic friends will not think dressing like Where’s Waldo is a good thing.
Juan Deuce and Falside — “Guts”
This is a great track off of their latest LP, “Mechanics.” The rhymes (Juan Deuce) are a bit unpolished, but this beat… It’s crazy dope. There’s something kind of epic about it, isn’t there? I feel like it belongs playing alongside an intense scene in a movie. Spielberg holla at me! Or, you know, anyone else.
Idea: A sequel to “The Air Up There” titled, “The Air Up There 2: Life’s a Layup.”
It’ll be sort of like the original, only this time Saleh and Coach Dolan are biding their time during the NBA lockout by learning life lessons through co-owning a t-shirt shop in Ocean City called “T’d Up.”
I’m thinking Gillian Anderson takes the spot as Dolan’s romantic interest who owns a rival shop called “Shirts and Giggles,” but still working out the details on that.
Bobby Brown’s “Don’t Be Cruel” Rap as Obama’s Re-Election Speech
It’s the night before the election. Obama, looking concerned, steps to the podium, and begins.
“We used to hang out tough just kickin’ around, we discovered a love that had never been found. You gave me your heart and I gave you my mind, but a true love affair we could never find. Although I want you bad I could let you go, ‘cause there’s a lot of countries out there that won’t say no. But due to fact that I want you, America… I want you more than human eyes can see.
But banks had to start failin’, they tried to make a killin’, now you think about the moves I made and you’re willin’, to be with me, Obama B., but with a bad attitude I can’t compete. Now you know my name, now I know your game. You want to be with me you got to be the same way that another country would be, and if you wanna be with me… Vote Obama/Biden in 2012.
Thank you, god bless you, and may god bless the United States of America.”
